I need a moment or two, maybe a week or so.  Davie was the wall at my back as much as anyone else’s.  Maybe even more because we shared a home, although we each had our own space and didn’t spend our days or evenings together because we didn’t have the same taste in TV shows and we only ate in the diningroom when we had family over.  So, whoever cooked would tell the other when food was ready.  We’d fill our plates and go our separate ways for the evening.  

He did more than half the cooking.  Which meant he planned that many of the meals.  He did almost all the kitchen cleanup.  We shared the monthly shopping, but he did most of the daily or weekly stuff.  I gave him money every month, but it wasn’t nearly half of the living expenses.  

When I came back from North Carolina before Mama died, he said that it would cost him the same amount for the house expenses whether I was here or not.  He didn’t even want me to help pay for groceries because he said I didn’t eat enough to matter.  I guess, compared to his diet, that may have been true.  All he wanted was my share of the group insurance and cell phone accounts.  I insisted on giving him more than that, but he carried most of the load.  That was Davie.  

We each did our own laundry and kept our own bathrooms.  The livingroom, diningroom, and office were my responsibility.  We never discussed it or planned it.  That’s just the way it worked.  Now, it doesn’t.  My daily routine is the same, but it isn’t.  I keep having to remind myself of the things I need to add to my schedule because he’s not here.  

My head is constantly jumping from place to place. I have so many changes and decisions to make that I can’t concentrate on any one thing for long.  Pardon me while I find my footing here.  I used to shake my head at women who let their husbands handle everything and were lost when they died.  I never realized how close to doing the same thing I was with my brother.

It’s not that I don’t know how to handle the household expenses and routines.  I can do it and I will.  I just need a little time to get organized.  In the meanwhile, my mind isn’t interested in cooperating when I try to come up with topics and write about them.  It has more pressing concerns.  So, excuse me while I find a way to fill the gaps and put my life back together.  I will be posting again soon.